I'll delete this later

It's getting harder and harder to find genuine good things to look forward to. I feel like I've entered a constant cycle of waking up, existing, and falling asleep. I still don't know if this is a symptom of my situation or just of myself, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get a concrete answer either way. My brain just spends hours, days, weeks, building the perfect case as to why I am a fundamentally flawed person who is incapable of true happiness. That even if I can go outside and walk around and experience the beauty of nature, that that experience is an exception to the rule, and I'm pathetic for believing I could deserve that happiness, even for a moment.

I don't know if there's a way around that. I'm lucky enough to have a person that can, even if for a moment, convince me that I'm capable of being loved. But without that, what do you do? Just keep trying until your hope and self worth are whittled away in tandem, burning on both ends? For something with functionally no stakes, self hatred has the ability to be all encompassing. I think the main fear is the idea that this is a war of attrition. That there is no complete victory, but a long, drawn out struggle that will eventually end in defeat. Despite how hard I try, it's hard to imagine that I would be able to outlast my own brain.

Regardless, I'm going to bed. I'll delete this tomorrow or whenever I have the drive to actually open this website and put together something I'm actually passionate about :3